23 year old art major, amateur cartoonist, and rat fancier. This blog is 90% reblogs and rats, the remaining is personal art and the occasional blog entry.
CALM YO TITS, MATE! IT’S TIME FOR HONEY-LESS GRANOLA BARS!
JFC YOU MIGHT SAY, WHAT IF I LOVE HONEY?
YOU CAN SLATHER THIS SHIT IN BEE SPIT AND POLLEN AFTER CREATION IF YOU SO CHOOSE, BUT IT’S NOT A PART OF THE DAMN ORIGINAL RECIPE!
THE FIRST THING YOU NEED IS TO CONVINCE THOR THAT YOUR NEED IS MIGHTY, AND LET HIM AID YOU IN THE GROCERY SHOPPING. HIS GOLDEN LOCKS AND STUNNING PHYSIQUE MIGHT GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT!
HARVEST 2 AND 1/2 CUPS CRISPY RICE CEREAL. I’M NOT A BRAND-NAME ASSHOLE, SO GENERIC VERSIONS OF ‘RICE CRISPIES’ IS FINE FOR ME.
MAJESTICALLY RIDE A STALLION TO YOUR NEAREST WINDMILL, TO GATHER ENOUGH ROLLED OATS TO FILL 2 FULL CUPS.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE ROLLED OATS?
THEY’RE NORMAL OATS THAT HAVE BEEN PUNCHED BY THE MOUNTAIN GOD UNTIL THEY MAINTAIN A FLAT, DISK-LIKE APPEARANCE.
PHASE-WARP TO KALAMAZOO TO HARVEST THE FINEST GRAPES FROM THEIR VINEYARDS. USE YOUR MAD OCARINA SKILLS SUMMON A BLOOD DRAGON IN ORDER TO FLY ACROSS THE SEA.
LAY OUT THE GRAPES IN AN ARTFUL RENDITION OF JENSEN ACKLES’ FACE, AND STARE VENGEFULLY AT THEM UNTIL THEY SHRIVEL UNDER THE HEAT AND TURN INTO A 1/2 CUP OF RAISINS.
IF YOU’RE NOT A RASIN-LOVING MOTHERFUCKER, THIS STEP CAN BE REPEATED, USING CRANBERRIES OR BLUEBERRIES INSTEAD. YOU NEED SOME DRIED FRUIT, ASSHOLE!
KARATE-PUNCH YOUR WAY INTO A BAG OF BROWN SUGAR, AND PULL OUT WITHIN YOUR MIGHTY FIST, A 1/2 CUP OF DENSELY PACKED DELICIOUS GOODNESS.
Politely request 1/2 cup of white sugar and 4 tablespoons of water. Place it in a small bowl or cup and elegantly mix the two. Set it aside for later.
NOW SEISMIC TOSS SOME PEANUTS WITH YOUR FACE, AND ACQUIRE A 1/2 CUP OF PEANUT BUTTER!
WHAT’S THIS BULLSHIT? 1 TEASPOON OF VANILLA? SCREAM YOUR FAVORITE LULLABY WHILE ATTAINING IT!
IN YOUR FAVORITE SACRIFICIAL BOWL, SLAP THE CEREAL, OATS AND DRIED FRUIT TOGETHER.
USING THE METAL HELMET OF SOME POOR FOOL WHO THOUGHT THEY COULD CONQUER YOUR HOME BASE, STIR TOGETHER THE SUGAR-WATER AND BROWN SUGAR ON LOW HEAT.
SUDDENLY FLIP IT UP TO HIGH AND CHANT ENOCHIAN UNTIL IT REACHES A LIGHT BOIL - STIR CONSTANTLY!
AGGRESSIVELY POUR PEANUT BUTTER AND VANILLA INTO THE RED-HOT HELMET.
KEEP STIRRING, YOU BEAUTIFUL MOTHERFUCKER!
WHEN EVERYTHING IS SILKY SMOOTH AND DELICIOUS AS THE ABDOMINAL MUSCLES ON JARED PADALECKI, PRESENT IT TO THE SPIRITS OF COOKING FOR APPROVAL, THEN POUR IT OVER THE CEREAL/OATS MIXTURE.
MIX!
MIX LIKE YOUR LIFE IS ON THE LINE, THERE IS ONLY A FEW SECONDS LEFT ON THE CLOCK, AND IF YOU FULLY STIR IT TOGETHER IN TIME, HEAVEN’S MOST ADORABLE ANGEL’S LIFE COULD BE SPARED.
CRY TEARS OF PAIN AND BLOOD BECAUSE NO ONE CAN MIX THAT FAST, AND HIS DEATH IS INEVITABLE.
PRESS THE RESULTING MIXTURE INTO AN UNGREASED PAN. I USED 13in BY 9in.
WAIT A HALF HOUR FOR IT TO SETTLE IN PLACE, THEN CUT IT INTO WHATEVERTHEFUCK SIZE PEICES YOU WANT!
I CARVED MINE INTO A SCALE-MODEL OF MINAS TIRITH.
SHOVE IT INTO YOUR FACE AND CROW YOUR TRIUMPH TO THE HEAVENS.
..of telling the world I am a horrible cook and cannot make anything (I’m okay at baking though, when I don’t forget that baking soda is always a “less is more” matter hurhur), I remembered the “Anyone can cook!” quote from my most favorite animated movie Ratatouille, and realized it’s about time I start at least trying! :U (And also that I should go watch that movie Iloveityayratsandfood!)
I’ve been browsing around for some beginner-friendly meals to try out in the coming days and putting them in a little notebook. Maybe soon, I will be able to cut this horrible fast food habit and start bringing my lunch to work!
So, if anybody has any simple recipes you know of, or are cool with sharing (you know like not SECRET FAMILY GUARDED RECIPES), feel free to shoot me a message or something! :D
